Nightmare For Elm Trees

It Ain't Easy Being Green

Every city wants to create a beautiful environment that brings visitors, attracts businesses and provides a clean, safe experience for the residents and patrons. Tipp City’s Streetscape project has all those factors in mind, yet seems to be somewhat vague as to what the final business district will look like.

Since the commissioners have other, far loftier issues to attend to, I have taken it upon myself and outline some of the more pertinent concerns and fleshing out what the finished product will be. We will go line by line, detailing the concerns and potential solutions to those concerns.
First, we will address the issue of safety. Apparently, pedestrians are being knocked about willy-nilly by crazed Mad Max Thunderdome mooks, so the city has offered up the solution of adding a grassy barrier between the hapless walkers and the motorized maniacs that are trying to run them over. I have a better solution. Erect an eight foot high wall around all the sidewalks. This would have a twofold effect. One, it would keep those behind the wheel from playing a quick game of Deathrace 2008 and two, it would prevent those scofflaws who ignore the posted crosswalks from jaywalking by only enabling them to cross through gates at every intersection.
Next, we have the pesky problem of interlopers that try to create chaos by wrecking our sidewalks, giving safe haven to a myriad other freeloaders that just defecate on our city and produce so much litter every year, it takes many man hours and a convoy of large trucks to haul away the offal. I am, of course, talking about those diabolically deciduous devils: trees. One idea that has gained ground on the street is to replace the existing trees with smaller trees that are in large containers which can be taken indoors every winter. I do not think that this goes far enough to take care of the problem.

I say, uproot every tree along the business corridor, be it by heavy machinery, the traditional chainsaw or the more low tech method of drilling into the root and funneling poison into it. Replace them with fake trees that will never wither, weather or rot. They could come equipped with replaceable oxygen tanks so that they can serve the same purpose as regular trees. They could even be electrified, cable ready and wi-fi capable. The “leaves” could serve a triple purpose by shading the area, dispensing SPF 4,000 sunscreen on passersby (thereby keeping them safe from another natural threat that I have as yet to come up with a solution for) and creating a lattice of protection from intruding birds and bugs by “deterring” them with a 250,000 volt jolt of electricity. The electrical outlets could also be used to power the holiday decorations and maybe a Muzak system to drown out the screeching of electrocuted birds.

By purchasing plastic butterflies and ceramic squirrels, which, let’s face it, are just as realistic as the real ones, Tipp City could save itself from a calamitous invasion of nature. The sidewalks and buildings could be Teflon coated for easy cleaning thereby giving our city that pristine appearance of natural beauty without all that icky mess that real nature seems intent on producing. As a final solution, we could take a cue from Dayton and get some of those bronze replicas of humans sculpted by J. Seward Johnson, thereby eliminating all of the haphazard organic blunders that the “natural world” seems prone to produce.

(This article was originally published in the June 4, 2008 issue of the Tipp City Independent Voice.)