The Goddess Was Discovered By Her Civilities

Amy Alkon Sees Rude People

“Manners are like the shadows of virtues; they are the momentary display of those qualities which our fellow creatures love and respect.”

~Sydney Smith

You see them daily. There's one standing in the middle of the grocery store, broadcasting her innermost thoughts and feelings in a loud and boisterous manner, replete with off color language and details that would make Caligula cringe. Her cart askew, blocking the whole aisle, she stands oblivious to all around her, like a sweatsuit encased ball of plaque clogging up the arterial passageway that leads to the produce section. There's another one careening from lane to lane in their monstrous SUV, like some Highway Plains Drifter, unaware that other motorists use this stretch of blacktop as well. She might have been able to see you in her review mirror, but she has adjusted them all so that they only reflect her face. Even in your own home you can't escape them. You are jarred awake from a sound sleep by the bass line from Lil' Wayne's latest effort, cranked to a volume that could shift tectonic plates. By the time you make it out to complain, the perpetrator has already left, leaving behind a collection of McDonald's bags and cigarette butts on your front lawn.

Amy Alkon, known at the Dayton City Paper for her weekly column titled The Advice Goddess, sees rude people everywhere...and she has taken polished fingernails to keyboard (in lieu of a pen to paper) to point out some of the bad behavior we witness on a day to day basis. Alkon's new book, I See Rude People: One woman’s battle to beat some manners into impolite society (McGraw-Hill, 224pp, $11.53) , is not only a written record describing the actions of the discourteous who are among us, but also clarifies some of the reasons that bad behavior may exist...and more importantly, why it is tolerated.

“Rudeness is a weak imitation of strength.”

~Eric Hoffer

After a flurry of emails and telephone calls to set up an interview, Alkon and I were finally able to have a long conversation: a conversation which spanned over range of topics such as life in California versus life in the Midwest and how Manischewitz wine will put you off drinking for life. Throughout a discourse that slithered and dithered, we were able to talk about the book and Alkon's impetus for creating it.

“Well, basically, I made a second career out of righteous indignation.” Alkon said laughingly. “I am just so upset by people who are inconsiderate of other people. I call it 'lunar landing behavior.' If you're getting out of your car and instead of stepping in a moon crater, you're stepping in wad of chewing gum in a parking lot, chances are, you're not on the moon: you're on Earth, where a lot of people will be bothered by your loud cell phone conversation. I don't understand it because I'm always wondering 'Oh! Am I too loud? Am I bothering someone?'” Alkon went on to concede that, “I didn't write this book because I've got great manners. I give people the finger in traffic all the time. All the time! But the thing is, they deserve it. They’ve done some wildly inconsiderate thing, not just been slow to go on the green. If you behave badly, I'm going to let you know.”

“Fine manners need the support of fine manners in others.”

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

All of us have stood befuddled when we witness other people's overwhelmingly obnoxious behavior. Some schools of thought lay the blame on the decline of a proper moral upbringing while others aver that it stems from a changing social landscape that revels in excesses. Alkon buttresses her own conclusions with a slew of referential materials, like studies, books and articles, which utilize science, anthropology, psychology and evolutionary psychology to explain the behavior that is illustrated by her own anecdotal experiences.

“It doesn't seem that we have an evolved mechanism for understanding that we have to tell strangers what to do, or even feeling that that should happen.” Alkon said, expressing the reasons why we feel powerless against the tide of insensitivity. “We have very old psychology. We live in modern times, but psychologically, we're still back in the cave.”

“We live in a society that is too big for our brains. We evolved in these small tribal societies where we knew everyone, so in a society where you know everyone, you have to behave well.” Conversely, as Alkon points out, “In a society where you see strangers all the time, you can do anything to anyone, like flipping them the bird, whereas if it's your neighbor that you're flipping the bird to, tomorrow there may be a replica of Mt. Whitney in dog poo on your front lawn. We need to recognize this problem and to treat strangers like neighbors.”

This quirk in our wiring not only allows those of a more selfish nature to take over communal spaces, treat others in a dehumanizing manner or even blatantly assaulting someone either verbally or even physically, but it also makes those of us who abhor this type of behavior psychologically inadequate to react to it.

“Most people are not comfortable telling strangers that they're behaving badly and that they're victimizing people. There are people like me who are what’s called 'costly punishers.'” Alkon then went on to explain what being a costly punisher entails. “These are people who, when they feel some kind of injustice has been done, will take action at cost to themselves and when there's no benefit for them. So when I say to somebody, 'Hey! Would you please pipe down on your cell phone?' They could punch me in the nose or shoot me or yell at me and other people could look down on me. This is not a win/win situation for me, but I feel that it is so wrong that people basically steal our attention. Our attention does not belong to the loud guy on his cell phone in a coffee shop.”

Alkon insists, however, that there is a two-tiered approach to dealing with bad behavior in public. While someone may not feel comfortable with confronting the offender, it is befitting that those who witness such a confrontation support the 'costly punisher,' even if it is with an accusatory stare or a mild agreement under their breath. This reinforces the fact that the offender's behavior is not being tolerated by the whole of the group.

“Manners require time, and nothing is more vulgar than haste.”

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

According to most polls conducted over the last several years, cell phone etiquette (or lack thereof) is the single most cited form of rudeness people encounter most often. This does not just apply to those talking so loudly that casual passersby can discern both ends of the conversation, but also other discourtesies, such as texting while you are talking to someone right in front of you or interrupting a live conversation to take some “important” telephone call.

“I don't want to live as part of this cell phone culture where people are always somewhere else doing something else.” Alkon stated bluntly. “You know, if we're going to go out and have drinks, I'm going to look you in the eye and just pay attention to you. I don't want to have phone conversations with other people at the same time.”

Another anomaly that our brains are not equipped to deal with is the concept of who we know. Through mass media and an ever present entertainment empire, some of us feel that we know celebrities and notable persons, just as we know our own friends.

“We live in what is called ‘evolutionarily novel’ times. Although we live in A modern age we evolved a mechanism, apparently, to care about people we know. The thing is, we can't seem to differentiate from people we know and people we know from TV, so we care about Paris Hilton and whether she's wearing underpants.”

Evolutionary psychology does seem to explain why, even though we live in a technologically advanced society, our day to day actions are a throwback to our days that we spent on a playground.

“The evolution of complex cognitive adaptations is particularly slow.” Alkon explained. “Donald Symons, who I quote in my book, says it takes hundreds of thousands of generations.”

“To be always thinking about your manners is not the way to make them good; the very perfection of manners is not to think about yourself.”

~Richard Whately

“I like people, but I'm frequently disappointed in them.” Alkon said,“At the root of manners is empathy and the worst mannered people are people who are pathological narcissists. They don't care about anyone but themselves and if you're in their way, they will run you down.”

As our conversation wound down, Alkon stated that I See Rude People is not to be construed as a self help book. She merely outlines the reasoning behind some of our actions, as taken from an anthropological and psychological aspect, written in her outrageous and amusingly realistic writing style. She does, however, add a little bit of advice, as an overview, to help us treat our fellow man with the respect that we expect from others.

“Because we live in a society that’s too big for our brains, and our daily lives are filled with strangers, we need to make an effort to treat strangers like neighbors,” she said. “It's really, really important to do these kindnesses: give somebody your paper, open the door for somebody...do these little tiny things and wait for them to get it. Just to go out of your way for people in some small way...everyone feels good then, and then they're not as not as likely to do some flagrantly rude act.”

(This article appeared in the November 29th, 2009 issue of the Dayton City Paper. This is the article as I originally wrote it.)