Avast! Yer Urchins Should Be Pirates!

While roaming through the parenting section at a local bookstore recently, I stumbled upon a slim volume tucked in between John Rosemond and Dr. Spock. It was simply titled "Cap'n Billy 'The Butcher' MacDougall's Guide To Pirate Parenting" and had a wonderful illustration depicting a young lad in full pirate regalia on the front cover. The back pages were brimming with accolades, endorsements and references to Tim Bete's previous work, "In The Beginning…There Were No Diapers" and comparisons to the author's wit as being akin to that of Dave Berry. Well, I like Dave Berry and I have kids, so I was persuaded to plunder this innocuous treasure map to improve my parenting skills.
While not what anyone would consider a 'parenting' manual in any rational or traditional sense, the thought of raising my two boys as pirates was an intriguing one. The idea, however, was not embraced by their mother, who informed me in no uncertain terms that if she saw the children with swords, swinging from the yardarm, she would file a petition for a divorce herself. Apparently, that is why life on the briny was a lonely existence. Women just don't understand the intricacies of masculinity.
As I read the book, I found that we had already missed many of the milestones in a proper pirate upbringing. Our sons are seven and thirteen, so we had already passed by such wonderful events as practicing our diaper changing skills on a fresh, whole squid. This can also be achieved by substituting the squid with a live monkey, which has the added benefit of becoming the baby's first playmate. I was also disappointed to discover that most babies raised through the pirating method were able to '"cruise the ocean while navigating a 20 foot ship in a 30 knot wind." How embarrassing it is to reflect that at that age, our kids were barely navigating their tricycles!
The 'Guide To Pirate Parenting' covers almost every conceivable problem that a parent may encounter, in every situation and at any age. From singing a shanty lullaby to your new born ('Rock-a-bye pirate/In the crow's nest/Down in the bilge/The rats they infest' has to be my favorite) all the way through their teenage years, this books outlines every aspect to be able to raise a child to become a pirate. It includes such ethical and moral issues such as how to justify pirating on the high seas as opposed to pirating copyrighted materials. With such clear headed candor as "Software pirates tend to be loners who like to steal things without actually confronting the person from whom they are stealing. Real pirates appreciate the joy of seeing the terror on other peoples faces when they are being pillaged." How can you argue with such clear-cut insight?
The chapter that most captivated me and seemed to encapsulate the whole lesson that pirate parenting embodies was the chapter titled, "Your Pirate's First Ship - How To Convert Your Minivan Into A Pirate Schooner." Maybe it was just the fact that I like working on vehicles that enamored me to this particular facet, but I believe it to be so much more. Not only would I be able to have my children hone their seafaring skill upon the open road, but also it would be such a bonding experience, having my boys help me hoist the mast onto the old Caravan.
Now, I'd like to add some notes for the uninitiated that have not read the book yet and have never contemplated converting their minivan into a pirate ship. First, do not mount the cannon facing the side windows. The recoil from the damn thing blows it right through the sliding door. I modified the tracks that used to hold the seats in (we had to ditch those to be able to take on our plundered booty) and mounted the cannon, pointing out the back door. We usually load it up, as per the manual's instructions, with trash from the vehicle (fast food wrappers, newspapers, that encrusted glob that was wedged under the passenger seat, etc.) swing open the back doors and let 'er rip! We usually only do this when there is someone tailgating us, flashing their high beams and making finger gestures that are quite difficult to explain to a seven year old.
Another conversion tip is to use a telescoping mast and run it all the way through the body, securely mounting it to the chassis. This has the major advantage over a fixed mast in that you are now able to retract the mast and navigate 'round the McDonald's drive through. On the subject of masts and sails, don't get behind semis on the highway with full sails set. The blowback kills your gas mileage.